North America Turd Hockey League News Articles
North America Turd Hockey League News Articles|
Since the last fiasco at the London Bridge it was felt by the coach we should move our games to another less populated place so we set up the ice rink at Sara Park in the center of the race track. The evening started off much cooler than the last game - this time it was in the high 60's but we still needed lots of ice and the local ice companies came through with flying colors. this time the entire two teams piled on the Zamboni while it was grooming the ice. Newman D driving and Fizban riding shotgun while everyone else was hanging on the back or front. Of course while driving Newman D fell asleep and almost ran off the ice but it was saved by Fizban who grabbed the steering wheel and took over. The ice was groomed to perfection and the teams retired to their respective sides. First Period began with Roscoe Hunter and Newman D taking the Goal positions and both promptly settled in for a snooze. Facing off for the first puck drop was Pearl, the Intimidator, and Norton B. the puck was dropped and promptly came up missing. After searching by the ref's it was found that Sebastian Davis had snuck in and grabbed it without nary a one seeing him. A bit of argument was heard until the ref told Sebastian if he didn't return the puck right now he would be put into the penalty box for a time out. Sebastian reluctantly gave up the puck and the face off resumed. the first puck was slapped by Pearl to Walter Kerns, Walter ran the full length of the ice and just before knocking the puck into the net, JJ from the Triple D's stole it right out from under him. This surprised Walter so much he ran right into Newman D and tripped headlong into the net. Time out was called to untangle Walter from the net. Play resumed with JJ passing to Savannah who then started down rink to the triple F's net. Pw. Tasselhhoff rushed in and grabbed the puck and passed it to Bagels Lartigue who brought it to Sammy "Fleet Feet" Kerns who promptly scored the first goal. Between periods Drew P started trying to get the crowds into cheering for the Triple D's. Unfortunately Angel the Head Cheerleader for the Triple F's Drowned her out with a wonderful(?) medley of songs that unfortunately we can't repeat here. This started all the teams singing together until the coaches had to step in and quiet the teams down. Second period began with a face off between Sammie of the Triple D's and Mudbone Kerns of the Triple F's. Sammie grabbed the puck and started down ice, she passed to Lucy Lou who then passed to Norton B and when Norton got within range of Roscoe the goalie he slapped a shot right by Roscoe's tail to make the score 1-1. Play was resumed with Magnolia getting the puck and passing to Clarence. Poor Clarence got a bit confused and was headed towards his own goal until Daphne got him going in the right direction. Clarence passed on to Daphne who headed to the goal until Samantha of the Triple D's came in and grabbed the puck and took it back down towards the Triple F's goal. Samantha passed to JJ who passed back to Samantha who promptly slapped another one by Roscoe bringing the score up to 2-1. During intermission a loud buzzing noise is heard almost drowning out the crowd. No one could figure out where it was coming from until it was found that both Newman D and Roscoe Hunter were snoring rather loudly. Both boys were awakened and the noise quickly ceased. Third period begins with Lexis Marie and Alfie Devon facing off. Alfie takes the puck and swats it off to Sammie the Basset and unfortunately the puck disintegrated so play had to be stopped while the puck was replaced. Sammie smacked the new puck off to Lucy Lou and it was stolen by Muscleman (Gunther) Larsen. Gunther had control of the puck all the way to the goal, and *SMACK* the puck slid in right in front of Newman D's nose. This brought the score to a 2-2 tie. At this point the ending buzzer sounded. The third game of the Triple D's season ended in a tie game. All of the teams retired to their respective locker rooms (an old motor home and a truck and camper) to get ready for the after party. While the teams were in their areas, tables were brought out with many good eats, The Triple D's favorite Liver flavored Jello shooters. Top Shelf Margreet's for the Triple F's, BBQ chicken, rib's, and for some reason a large truck loaded with peanut butter showed up. this was off loaded along with a ton of crackers. Sometime around midnight all that could be seen on the field was bones, sleeping dogs and lots of empty bottles.
The Colorado Turd Checkers opend their season , last week, with a stunning 3-2 overtime win against the Northwest crap slappers. Tonite they hope to continue their win streak against the Polar Poop Puck Chuckers." We don't know what to expect" says Coach Clarence, of the Turd Checkers- "but we sure have a very special team of turd checkers". The weather here is perfect for our first home game- cold , light snow, ..turd conditions are "GO" In front of a sold out crowd- the Poopers came out pooping - oops- flying...They scored a goal in the first 28 seconds - and tried to dominate the rest of the first quarter. "Hey guys "yelled Coach Clarence of the Turd chekkers, " Stop lettin those poopers hem you into the zone like that- Get turd checking out there". That sent the Turd Checker offense- out for a powerplay - skating 4-3 against the Polar poops. With full momemtum, the turd sailed past the polar poops goal- TIE SCORE at the end of the first quarter. Both teams retired to the bench for turd production. To psyche out the pooopers- the turd- checkers decided to warm up with a few basset 500's around the rink - led by AnnieBelle- . Back on the ice, both teams prolonged play and passed the turd around - but neither team had position to get a good shot....At the half - still tie score. "Wow" said Coach Clarence - "imagine what we could have done if the turd checkers had not been in the penalty box all at one time......" The turd offical was ready to start the second half- but neither the poopers nor turd checkers could be found...The game was called a "TIE" , with neither defaulting their earned goal. "That's the only problem with this turd hockey league", the official lamented- at half time the teams are served luscious treats - and who wants a turd after that?" Final Score- Colroado Turd Checkers - 1 Polar Poop Puck Chuckers - 1
Next week - Colorado Turd checkers vs. the New Jersey Nature Nuggets
In years gone by, a person was a member of a single community, especially if he came from a small town. People played out the drama of human life within that community; childhood, schooling, courtship and sex, marriage, work and death. It was a close (read stifling) and secure (for the most part) cocoon within which to live one's life. Today, given greater mobility, people may belong to many communities or none. Porches have been replaced by patios as the family turns away from the physical community. Community may be found in church or work groups, school groups, sports teams, etc. Many even find community online, relating to others without ever seeing them. My communities include a group based around folk music and centered on the Iron Horse concert hall and the Walnut Valley festival, a looser group of factoid freaks who frequent the trivia contests and one online community-a group of basset owners and fanciers centered around a website called the Daily Drool. This is the community that has led me to the North American Turd Hockey League. The Daily Drool is a community of people in at least 5 countries who share stories, pictures, recipes, medical information and locations to procure that wide range of basset related paraphernalia known as basset crap. The members are passionate about their animals and closely connected to one another. They laugh and cry together, celebrate birthdays, “Gotcha days”, big get togethers known as Waddles and generally share what any community would share. I found the Daily Drool when I became the proud parent and press agent for Miss Angela Basset, known as the Droop and Drool Diva of Wichita and Sedgwick County. For a while, I just lurked, reading about diseases, diets and deeds of destruction. Soon, Angela and I began posting regularly and are now full fledged droolers. When Miss Angela escaped and went on a two day “walkabout” last month, I got over a hundred messages of consolation, prayer and advice from three countries, then thirty more when we were re-united. That's what droolers do. It was in this spirit that the North American Turd Hockey League was born. One of the frequent contributors of the Daily Drool is a Wisconsin woman named Angie Chelmo. She kept us in stitches over her accounts of her three basset hounds (Webster, Memphis and Doolittle) playing on her icy deck, batting around frozen chunks of basset feces. She dubbed this Turd Hockey. This year, Angie had a resumption of severe eye problems which rendered her blind in both eyes. Her husband continued to read the Daily Drool to her, but she ceased posting. To cheer Angie up, I decided that we should have a cyber tournament of Turd Hockey teams. I issued an invitation on the Drool, expecting three or four others to join our Prairie Poopslingers in cyber matches. That showed how much I knew about droolers. The first day, the Ohio Puckeyes, Desert Dung Diggers, the Tri State Turd Tossers and the all-girl New Jersey Nature Nuggets signed up. Great, I thought. A five team round robin tournament written up in the Drool. Cool. The next day, the Mobile Manure Marauders, the Pittsburgh Pooper Scoopers and the Northwest Crap Slappers joined. An eight team league. That's do-able. In short order we were fifteen!. The Colorado Turd Body Checkers, the Michigan Mine Sweepers, the Texas Tall Turds, the Florida Feces Flingers, The Greater Alabama Nugget Nailers, the Great Smokey Mountain Mound Makers and the St. Louis Nugget Nabbers signed on. I knew Angie Chelmo was enjoying the madness when her husband announced that Webster, Memphis and Doolittle had formed the Polar Poop Puck Chuckers. Needless to say, I was dumbstruck. This had grown way out of what I had planned. Still, the responses were so enthusiastic that I couldn't shut it down. Teams were designing logos, the New Jersey Nature Nuggets designed sparkly brown and pink uniforms and cheers for various teams began to show up on the Drool. We had gone 'way past the point of no return. An item of hot contention was the nature of the puck. The northern teams are purists and want to use the traditional frozen pucks. Those of us who live in hotter climes have opted for dried pucks which, while considerably lighter, are less likely to change form during a match and leave nasty stains on the ice. So, we have two eight-team divisions. Eight northern teams are in the Frozen Poop division. Eight more southerly teams play in the Desiccated Dung Division. The winners will meet in the championship game for the coveted Chelmo Cup. I set to work on the schedule, figuring out who played whom each week and who was home team. This is particularly important since the home team submits the account of the game. This gives them a distinct advantage, of course. Some will probably just report a score, since many of the franchises belong to people who have never seen a hockey game. Others will submit a detailed and probably hilarious account. Some will just donate pucks. Anyway, play starts this week. Our hometown Prairie Poopslingers, led by totally clueless Miss Angela Basset, are training hard at an undisclosed cyber rink. Since the City Paper is woefully short on sports news (though there is some hope that the ICT Roller Girls matches will be reported) and Jake Euker seems unlikely to foray into the world of competitive athletics, I will report on the league on a regular basis and pass along some of the more colorful details. Next week, schedule is as follows: in the Frozen Poop Division, Tri State is at Polar, Colorado is at the home rink of the Northwest Crapslappers and the all girl New Jersey team is playing the Puckeyes in Ohio. In the Desiccated Dung Division, St. Louis hosts the Dung Diggers, Texas plays at Great Smoky and Florida goes to Mobile to play the Manure Marauders. It should be an interesting fledgling season. PS. Angie Chelmo has had surgery and has limited vision in one eye. The other will be operated on at a later date. Hopefully she will be in top shape to award the Chelmo Cup in December. |
The Prairie Poopslingers vs. the Desert Dung Diggers. The second game of the season for the Triple D's was played with home court advantage. The rink was set up under the London Bridge in the English Village for maximum viewing of the crowds. Tons of ice was brought in and was to be groomed by the Zamboni. The rink master brought out the Zamboni and immediately an argument broke out amongst the teams. The fight centered around who would ride on the Zamboni, who would drive it and who would chase it around. When the Ice flurries cleared, Walter was in the drivers seat, Newman D was shotgun, Chloe Grace and Kimmie Sue were on the front and Lucy Lou and Samantha were on the back. Chasing the Zamboni were, Norton B, Alfie Devon, Bazil D Basset, and Ruffus. The rest of the players retired to their respective sides to ready for the game. The first period went relatively well with both teams keeping the other in check. Several times King George E Grunt made a rush for the goal when Newman D who slept thru the entire game at the goal net stopped him cold (We think George tripped over Newman but instant replay isn't showing it clearly - the cinematographer was laughing too hard). The Poopslingers Tillie and Jacob were up against Sammie and Samantha the triple D's defense dogs. The defense was total until in a flash Bobthedog (wink wink nudge nudge) came out of nowhere with a puck making move right in the goal net. That sent Amy, Freddie, Winston and Barney into complete and total happy dances. At the end of the first Period, the score was 1-0 in the Poopslingers favor. Intermission entertainment was provided by the esteemed cheerleading squad for both teams. Jessie and Drew P wowed the crowd with some pretty impressive dance and cheer routines routines. Unfortunately Drew P was carried off on a stretcher after breaking a toenail on one of the 2 dog pyramid routines. She is resting comfortably on a velvet pillow. In the second period things quickly heated up. Newman D woke up for about 2 minutes, yawned caught a slapshot and swallowed a puck. the referee denied Otis his goal as it never made it to the net. That started a brawl between Otis and the ref. Otis was sent to the penalty box for a nap - er.. time out. With Otis out of the game, Lance stepped in to take over for him. While he was trying to figure out which way to hit the puck, Norton B slid in and stole the puck from him and off he went down the ice to score a goal for the triple D's. That brought the score to 1-1. and ended the second period. The third period found Bruiser, and Winston stepping in to take over for Freddie, Bazil D and Amy. With fresh hounds in for the Poopslingers the Triple D's knew they would have to hustle. Norton B woke Newman D up and gathered the gang together for a little pep talk. With plans made the Triple D's lined up for the game. The puck was hit and unfortunately someone had snuck in a fresh one so time out was called to clean up the mess. With the mess cleaned up the opening shot was made by JJ and off he went. Another goal was scored which brought the score up to 2-1 in the triple D's favor. Knowing her reputation was on the line a conference was called by Miss Angela Basset coach of the Poopslingers to implement a new plan. the whole team left the huddle with smiles on their faces and a new determination. The play began and was back and forth and up and down when all of a sudden a commotion began and there was a Miss Angela in the NUDE streaking the length of the rink. this rattled the Triple D's so bad that Bruiser, with a pass to Winston was able to score a shot right by Newman and tie up the game at 2-2. After a complaint to the referee's who said they saw nothing wrong with Miss Basset's plan the play resumed. At this point the Triple D's were raring to go. The puck was slapped by Bazil D and promptly stolen by Sammie of the Triple D's. Sammie then passed it to Samantha and then Samantha on to JJ. JJ raced to the opposing net and with a swiftness that belies the breed placed a shot to the net one second before the third period ending bell rang. With that the Desert Dung Diggers won their first game with a 3-2 score. The Triple D's being the gracious gang that they are invited the entire roster of the Prairie Poopslingers to partake of their buffet. On the buffett were the Lizard Fricassee, Filet of Roadrunner, Bunny tails, and Quail Egg Quiche along with Prime Rib au jus, BBQ chicken, Fried chicken livers and many many margareeeeeta's and liver flavored Jello shooters. the after party lasted well into the night and only ended when the locals called the constable to complain of a multitude of music and ahrrooooo's keeping them awake. The Desert Dung Diggers await their next game... We are ready!!!
St. Louis Nugget Nabbers Hockey Club Festivities Planned For St. Louis Nugget Nabbers Home Opener On Oct. 13 Pre-Game Rally and On-Ice Opening Ceremonies Highlight Evening; Special festivities will be part of the St. Louis Nugget Nabbers home opener on Friday, Oct. 13, as they take on the Desert Dung Diggers for the home kick-off of their 2006-2007 season. Events get underway at 5:30 p.m. with a pre-game rally outside the west entrance of the arena. Sponsored by Anhowlser Busch and Purrrina, the rally will feature live music by a special musical guest and appearances by Nugget Nabber cheerleaders and other personnel. KSHE 95 will broadcast live, and with Anhowsler Busch, invites fans to be part of the ?Red and Gold Fan Group? and dress in red and gold (turd accessories optional) for the chance to win tickets to sit in the Howlizone Party Room for opening night. Fans will want to be in their seats early for special on-ice pre-game ceremonies and player introductions beginning promptly at 7 p.m. All fans who have entered the building and have had their tickets scanned by 6:45 p.m. will be entered into a drawing for a free trip to the famous Castle run by El Queeno Bess WHE herself All fans will also receive a St. Louis Nugget Nabbers Team Calendar. "We're excited to be hosting the Desert Dung Diggers for the first game of our 2006-2007 season. Both teams have been working very hard and should give their fans plenty to cheer about" said Coach Mowgli of the Nugget Nabbers. "We know it's going to be tough with players like Drew P., Norton B., Newman D., Alfie Devon, and Sammie the Basset on the Desert Diggers," said Mowgli. "And of course we can't let our guard down against Lucy Lou, Samantha, JJ, Savannah, JJ. But we feel confident that our team has what it takes to win." Seats for Oct. 13 and all Nugget Nabber home games are available at the Arena Box Office.
Joe Louis Cyber Arena Joe Louis Cyberarena, Detroit, Michigan
Michigan Minesweepers, the pre-season favorites to win the inaugaral NTHL Chelmo cup are in their final days of pre-season camp, and looking forward to their first game with the Ohio Puckeyes at Ohio. The team is an outstanding mix of seasoned pros and youngsters with talent and depth. "These are the greatest bassets I have ever worked with!" Gushed coach Steve Yzerman in a post-practice interview. "Not since my days with the Red Wings have I seen a more talented, dedicated bunch of skaters. Young Beauregard has really come on tremendously, in cross checking, hiney checking, and goal scoring. He is a Basset Bobby Orr!" "Goaltending duties have been picked up by Merlin who is just magnificent not only in blocking all the pucks that come his way, but is one of the most slyly aggressive goalies ever to take the ice. Forwards are really going to have their paws full with him!" When asked if he would miss the NHL after 19 years, Coach Yzerman said "No Way! These hounds are crazy! This makes the NHL look positively boring. I got one hound, Fang, who really reminds me of Probert, I mean that dog is totally out of his mind. Makes up these crazy cheers and always wants to go to dog parks in Windsor, Ontario - just like Probie did, reminds me of the old days. Even the way that dog drinks out of the toilet is like Probert, its wild." When asked how he enjoyed being a minesweeper, Beau said that it was "...totally pawsome! I mean I thought having a Republican for a dad meant I had seen it all in terms of viciousness, but these guys make him look like a liberal sissy! We're so tough Fang says we're getting Shock Collar tattoos for our forelegs!" "Yeah!" Chimed in Merlin, "And talk about the ladies! We can't leave practice without getting 'hounded' if you know what I mean. I don't know what we're gonna do when we play those girl teams, I mean they are gonna be tripping all over themselves trying to be our girlfurends - that's what Fang says. Fang says they will probably just forfit the game to get our famous post-game smooches." Reporters tried to catch up with Fang only to see him being hustled into a private car being driven by a red headed woman who shouted "What! Tattoos! You're coming with me Mister!" It is assumed that this was his private security guard or some crazed loner fan. Teammates exchanged nervous glances and fled to the locker room. For fans, the Minesweepers will be taking their home cyberice the week of October 20, to host the North West team. Play by play will be posted to the turd hockey website.
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